click to return to "crap" page

 

 

PHILL
Phil may not be the best typist, he couldn't spell his own name if it wasn't on the plaque on his desk.....he's a pencil pusher, a beaurocrat, a deskjockey, a yes-man....but his girlfriend is a hottie, and in hopes that he'll give us nekkid pics someday, he's one of us...
 

 

SANCHO
Sancho may be nothing more than a rich brat whose family fell into some "new" money that got them outta the white trash neighborhoods of NW Louisiana and into the uppercrust of west Austin... he might never know a hard days work and will prolly spend more time in the city municipal courts than most judges who are appointed for life... and even though the guy rarely bathes and doesn't understand a single thing about what it takes to make the opposite sex happy... he is still a teamROCS member... now don't get me wrong, I cannot excuse his lack of humility or his need for takin' credit for everything that passes in front of him... what is scary is that he has the highest SAT score known in teamROCS, yet we choose him to live our PORN fantasies out... we didn't even have to ask him to pay... we just ship used and abused equipment his way... and act like he is "all that" and we laugh and scoff... but damnit.. he did it... he thinks he did it for him... Sancho... he's been inside a pornstar... he is part of teamROCS... kinda like that retarded guy who would run out after the kickoff and pick up the tee at the Oilers games in the 80s who got replaced by a well trained dog... and we respect that loyalty! Sancho... on teamROCS...
 

 

EDDIE
Eddie may not be a salesman.....he's not an attractive man, more like a Weird-Al lookalike in a slump.....he can't belt out a web page without it looking like ass, he bitches too much about money which he has plenty of....has probably killed countless scores of woodland creatures with his Unimog and Hummer, but when it comes down to it, and there's a guy in a white buick trying to run me down, I want eddie there with his gun, 'cause I know Eddie could blow the balls off a gnat at 150 paces, and that's why he's one of US
 

 

ROCKETJOHN
Bottle Fucker may be hopelessly articulate, he may smell like 3 cheese pasta that was left in the crisper drawer for 8 months, hell, he may sit on a bottle while watching the super bowl.....he's barely a conservative, and he drives a weenie little German car, but when it's all said and done, he's a TeamROCS member, one of us, and dammit, WE TOLERATE HIM CAUSE HE'S MONEY, even if he a skinny little fruity geekboy.
 

 

LIZARD
Lizard, may berate me and publicly humiliate me at a moments whim... Lizard may anger me and cause me to beat puppies with billy clubs... Andrew (AKA Lizard) may even cause great migraine headaches and menstrual cramps to women from all over the planet... I have heard that children cry, dogs bark, and chimpanzees get Hard ons around him!... Lizard might justify the need for bills such as the Brady bill and 3 strikes you are out!... but you know... at the end of the day... he is a teamROCS member... and he knows that not only am I a role model for him, but that I control his destiny from a subliminally controlled directive!
 

 

FOGHORNLEGHORN
FogHornLegHorn may not be the thinnest guy.....shit, he looks like Chris Farley 2 hours after he died....he may have seen "Dazed and Confused" one too many times....he can go from opulent expressiveness to cruel vulgarity in one sentence.....his knowledge of car audio physics is second only to my cats, but dammit, Chiccin is one of us.... he has no choice....
 

 

WIZASS
Wizass may never know the feeling of a woman, he sometimes doesn't leave his computer for weeks at a time... DickCheese is his middle name b/c the doctors use him as the control group when testin' new vaccines... Sure he may drive a car that would look better in the movie "BirdCage" than in teamROCS... he may look 12 and act 10... who cares if his first sexual encounter was with his Great Aunt Bertha's douche bag... does it really matter that he comes from the armpit of america?... it doesn't bother anyone here that his idea of high-tech is a 2xCDRom or the fact that he thinks Pioneer is "tops" in the car audio industry... but damnit... we can't find anyone to do our internet dirty work... or send us scrap parts for free... and we accept him into teamROCS... like a drowned puppy that was beaten down by the river... Wizazz... he's with us!
 

 

POON-TANG
Poon is a power hungry, money grubbing wanna be nazi dictator without enough brawn to back himself up, his web sites all look like cheesy art deco 1960's wallpaper....he'll never be able to type with more than one hand at a time unless he gets that picture of Phil's girlfriend off his computer.....or maybe that George Clooney desktop of his...... but dammit....he knows shit, works for free, and every once in a while, intentionally or not, he says something funny....so until he starts asking for money, he's one of us....
 

 

DURBIN
Turban may be an old fucker, he probably carved the first tech sheet on a slab of stone, he is happily married to someone, hopefully a woman, and has kids he knows about, and is an upstanding individual....in spite of this, we like him enough to let him in......he's a brother!
 

 

JONESBOY
Jonesboy... sure he is a canuck that thought most of the world was on his level and wouldn't realize that JonesBoy really means BonesJoy... and we all know that he is thin-skinned and gets upset faster than most of the skinniest fags that live next to RJ... hell he never even participates anymore on ICQ because his work installed a firewall just to prevent him from fuckin' his day away... listen.. i don't mind if he has a crush on sancho, or calls himself Matt just to be symbolically closer to Wizass, not because he is gay, but to get a hold of that LeBaron which he knows will allow him to pick up many gay men... but that's not the point... he is on teamROCS because he wouldn't go away... we know stuff about him and he is familiar... like that bloodstain on the wall of a trailerhome where a drunk would slam his wife's head in the wall... familiarity... that is what keeps Bonesjoy here... nothin' more nothing less... what's not to love!
 

 

JONASS
Jonas might never have gotten into teamROCS except for his potential ability to get teamROCS Ericsson cellular phones and free blond swedish chicks whenever we get our lazy, non-savin' asses organized enough to get to Sweden... sure we know virtually nothing about him, and will prolly never meet him... we take full advantage at all times that he barely understands English... most of us can sleep very well at night knowing that Jonas pays 500 bucks per month to be a part of teamROCS... we got shit to pay for... i mean, how else is a guy like this gonna be able to be a part of an organization like ours... he drives a BMW 318is for Christ's sake! that's the model sold to rich highschool girls and limpwrist effeminate men who may or may not know RJ, but that's not the point... the point is JonASS wouldn't know horsepower if it bit him in the ass... well... actually he might recognize that... but no matter... this kid was given a shot at becoming a member of teamROCS not because we liked who he was, or where he came from... err actually Sweden does have some killer blond chicks... but we accept Jonass because he will pay those bills and keep us swathed in cellular phones and other cool scandinavian shit... like little baby Jesus in the Manger, we are suckling off his good fortune like it was the blessed Mary's teat... thanks Jonass... not only for laughin' at our jokes, but for what you will provide us with in the future... you just gotta love him for that!
 

 

SHOWTIME
Jeffrey "Showtime" Gasier... sure the guy wins with his $90,000 Impala... most cerebral palsy victims could present that flash-in-the-pants car and win... but really we have only one thing to say about him... He is Fat... but damnit... he is a teamROCS member...
 

 

PETER
From The Autophile, we bring you Peter Lufrano... of San Francisco... everyone knows that the gay community needs good car audio too... we will overlook the fact that his wife Frank really runs the business outta the "backdoor" of their gaybar where their adopted son sells crack to the quality patrons... Peter is a Cali boy... I have no problems with the fact that he touts a highend CarAudio business with tons of equipment that most people have never heard of at ridiculous prices... he can sleep at night because he knows that his customers all have platinum cards, no they may not belong to them, but as long as the number passes the "check", all is good... who cares that his "demo" equipment has blood stains or initials from past owners etched into the covers... Peter is a great guy... we rarely chat with him, many don't know much about him... but figure teamROCS can make him a mark before he gets us first... i mean, all those Italian guys, gay or not, they have connections!... we can't depend on Sancho for everything! Peter... we'll keep him... and teamROCS will be the better for it!
 

 

ASSPHILES
From the Assphiles, we bring you Jason Carlton... AKA A.P., Assphiles... lets step back and look at why he has earned this designation... its very hard to overlook the most impressive Sunbird Convert... Some of us, might not be bothered by the fact that Jason is an amateur body builder, many don't care that his roid rages are similar to epileptic fits, that are neither here nor there... nevertheless, we have a quality teamROCS retailer that is gravytraining his addition to Sancho's ICQ list that he participates in every 5 months or so... we already got guys that run cheesy shops outta their garage... but damnit we can always use another source of credibility... Jason is one of us... by default of chattin' in the beginning.... so he has no special qualities... he is like Tito of the Jackson family... he will be successful because of us... and at the very least the bastard is one of us!
 

 

JOHN from MMX
John Spagnolo from MMX might not be your prototypical US retailer... he may not ever understand what teamROCS is really about, I mean an Italian up in Jersey? how could he... John spends half his time concentratin' on walkin' and talkin' at the same time... we have no problem with that... sure he provides Car Audio equipment at half of what it costs the manufacturers to make the shit... you think that bothers us.. his friends... hey we are thankful no fingers or toes get shipped with the boxes! if you know what I mean.... John's from Jersey... we are fortunate his name ain't Joey, we'd get nothing done fast... but that isn't what separates this curdled sludge off the top of the expired milk carton... no way... John AKA MMX is a member of teamROCS... and even though he acts like he knows tons o' shit about Car Audio we know he doesn't so we make sure we ask him the easy questions... why? we want our members like John to feel good about themselves...
 

 

SMIFF
Kevin Smith... AKA smiffy, may never understand what success in the car audio industry is all about... not for the fact that he can't, but because he can never finish the system in his "sorority girl" special green Honda Accord... and maybe one day it will be finished, and we hope and pray that he doesn't immediately have a cardiac and keel over... no he may never be half as creative as "Kevin Smith" the writer/director of "Clerks" and so what he gravy trains that name to get poor unsuspecting fat teenagers to get jiggy with him... he laughs at our jokes... even Philly Phill's! so we must overlook the fact that the fat racist pig tries to sweat through his unfocused, everslackin' life in Arizona.... & sure he may be a gun wielding ammo stocking survivalist that wouldn't stand a chance in hell of lastin' more than a few hours without food... but you know what?... Smiffy knows more than the average 16 year old in car audio, and there is no way he would ever be attractive to most gay men... and that is somethin... that is actually comforting to know in this crazy internet world full of phreaks and wierdos and fat geeky slackers.... you know damnit at the very very least... this fat geeky slacker, named Kevin, is a member... and we accept him with open arms... err... we accept him... we don't have anyone that would get close enough to hug that sweaty ogre let alone have him grope any one of us, just for the chance at real live human contact!
 

 

DOOKIE
Darin Doguet, brother of a founding father of teamROCS got into teamROCS one way... and we know why, but still accept him despite the fact that the kid was given everything on a silver platter... we need bill payers... we need people to pull the trigger on the checkbook... so what if the kid can't keep the MaryJane from totally absorbing every last bit of success this whitebread pimp daddy could have been handed... hey... we understand the fact that most of his "hotties" that sleep with him do it for contraband he gets from some Sancho on the street corner and not his boyish ragtag looks... most of us can totally accept that this kid might burn out way before he reaches 21 and enter the gay porno industry years before his dear own brother will be invited.... we won't call him a son of a bitch or a fuckin' bastard... we will call him a member, a member of teamROCS and treat him like that kid with autism that lived in the back of the neighborhood that we saw once or twice a year... we'll scream his name out, we'll shake our finger at him... we will say no 10 times and we will look the other way and pick up the money that falls out of his pockets.... Darin... not only an original pimp member of teamROCS, but a lazy young gravy trainer that we are pretty much sure is somewhat straight... when he ain't stoned!
 

 

click to return to the main page

click to return to main page

Sponsored by River Oaks Car Stereo in Houston
The World Famous www.Installer.com
And hosted by txsoft.net